“Human Clara, what is the word for that infestation of tiny creatures over there?”
“Those are children. That’s a school.”
“Fascinating.”
I sighed.
In an ideal world, I would not be spending a beautiful Saturday afternoon giving an alien a tour of my hometown and a crash course on the human species.
Clearly, this was far from an ideal world.
Continue reading “First Contact: Coffee & Chaos”“You can’t just watch an entire TV show in one sitting.”
“I’ve done it before. Remember Game of Thrones? Never underestimate my ability to binge.”
“I remember, and I would never, for it is legendary, but let me rephrase: while you’re certainly able to watch a dozen consecutive hours of media, you shouldn’t.”
“And why not? I have an important presentation due in two days.”
“Well, it seems to me you just volunteered a very good reason.”
“How so?”
“Do you not have to prepare for this important presentation?”
“Verily.”
“So… shouldn’t you stop your binging to do that?”
“Oh! I understand your confusion. No, that is where you misunderstand, my dear.”
“You’ll have to elaborate.”
“Quite simple, really. The more time I have until a deadline, the more relaxed I am, and thus the more likely I am to be distracted by my hobbies. I am simply being proactive in my indulgences, and finding them all the sweeter for I know I must soon stop.”
“Soon?”
“…Soonish.”
“Sounds like good old-fashioned procrastination to me. Do you not risk missing the deadline?”
“No. To the contrary, the closer I am to the deadline, the faster I work. I will do in two hours what would have taken me twenty.”
“Productivity fueled by desperation.”
“Precisely.”
“Again, I should have known from the start my endeavor was hopeless. Well, if you do decide to rejoin humanity, let me know.”
“After I finish this season. Maybe.”
“You can’t just sit there all day.”
“I’ve done it before. Never underestimate my ability to idle.”
“You have, and I would never, for it is legendary, but let me rephrase: while you’re certainly able to sit there all day, you shouldn’t.”
“And why not? It is the summer.”
“What does that have to do with it?”
“It means I’m on vacation, of course.”
“That just means you have more free time to do anything you’d like.”
“Exactly.”
“…Wait, I’m not sure we’re on the same page here. If you agree that you have more free time, then why do you disagree that you should do something with it?”
“I am doing something with it: nothing.”
“I’m not sure that doing nothing is different from not doing anything.”
“Semantics, my dear.”
“In any case, when you weren’t on vacation and you were done with your work for the day, you would idle. Why not go for a change of pace now?”
“Ah, but in that case I would idle because I needed rest and relaxation. Now I idle because I can. The former was a necessity, the latter is a luxury. You see?”
“Laziness by choice instead of necessity.”
“Precisely.”
“I should have known from the start my endeavor was hopeless. Well, if you do decide to rejoin humanity, give me a call.”
“If the phone is not too far away.”
“Have you taken care of the bodies, Harold?” Biggie asked his companion as he picked up another skull. The short man held the skull up into the light, judged it sufficiently preserved and in possession of a particularly endearing grin, and threw it onto the cart.
“The bodies?” the portly man beside him said, stopping to scratch his head. “Oh. Yes, I have. Though to be honest, I’m not sure any of them are actually dead.”
“Wait, what?” Biggie sighed. “I swear, Harold, you have got to be literally the worst necromancer I have ever met.”
Harold raised an eyebrow.
“You mean figuratively, Biggie?”
“No, I mean literally! Out of all the necromancers I have ever met, you are the most incompetent of them all.”
“How many have you met?”
“That’s beside the point.”
Harold sucked in his gut and adjusted his overalls.
“Well maybe you should try working the graveyard shift,” he said, “then you can lecture me about how easy it is to tell the living from the dead.”
Biggie just stared at him. Harold was quiet for a moment, then finally shrugged and nodded.
“I’ll check on them again.”
“You do that, Harold,” Biggie said as he threw another skull onto the pile. “The last thing we want is ravenous guests. Anyway, do we have enough here?”
They did a quick count of the skulls.
“Yes, this should do it.”
Biggie grabbed the cart’s handles and began wheeling it away, Harold wobbling alongside him.
“So that’s it for the decorations,” Harold said. “I can’t believe your helldaughter is getting hitched, Biggie. It seems like just yesterday we were inscribing her summoning pentagram.”
“Yeah, they grow up fast, don’t they?” Biggie said. “Her species reaches adulthood in, what, three years?”
“Something like that.”
“Anyway, double-check the bodies, Harold!”
“Yes, Biggie.”
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